Humor 

On Alonzo Spellman:
"Physically, he's a world-beater.  Mentally, he's an eggbeater."  (Matt Elliot)

"These equations are based on real problems, the coefficients have been changed to protect the innocent"  (Ben Cacace)

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."

"Think about how dumb the average person is and half the people are dumber than that."

"It could be that the sole purpose for your life is to serve as a warning to others."

"Wit is educated insolence." (Aristotle 284-322 B.C.)

"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me." (Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914)

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them." (Flannery O'Connor 1925-1964)

"Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society."  (Mark Twain)

"I'd rather be rich than stupid." (Jack Handy)

"Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it."

"I can't stand people who always complain about others.  They really annoy me."

"Hark, what wind through yonder sphincter breaks"

"Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.  Teach him to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."  (The Dan Moon Show)

"What a nice night for an evening."

"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."

"If you had a brain cell, it would be lonely" (Mr. Goodman)

"Don't drive as if you own the road; drive as if you own the car."  (Sam Ewing)

"A day without sunshine is like, night." (David Regal)

"Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool!"

"Is ignorance or apathy the biggest problem with the world today?"
 "I don't know and I don't care".

"To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up."

"Those who can do. Those who can't teach.
 Those who can't teach teach education."  (Nicolas Martin)

"If you can remember the 60s, you weren't really there."  (Abbie Hoffman)

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."  (Carl Zwanzig)

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."  (J.D. Salinger)

"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it."  (Dave Barry)

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"

"My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, 'How was that drive-by shooting?' You don't care how it *was*, you're lucky to get out alive."  (Angela on My So-Called Life)

"Suburbia: the place where all the trees are cut down and streets are named after them."

"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it."  (Clarence Darrow)

"I don't feel good." (The last words of Luther Burbank, 1849-1926)

"Go away...I'm alright." (Last words of H. G. Wells)

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

"I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive.  She's thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed."  (Jonathan Colan)

"Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box."  (Wil Shriner)

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." (Dan Quayle)

"I love cars. It's the greatest physical object I've ever seen. I don't know why, really. My only theory is, when you're driving, you're outside and inside, moving and completely still, all at the same time. I think that's something."  (Jerry Seinfeld)

"Don't tell me about your emphysema, lung cancer, and heart disease.  The bottom line is smoking is cool!"  (From Friends)

"Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism."

"Scholarship: endless pursuit of procrastination" (Jill Certo)

"Making Barbie smart is like making G.I. Joe a conscientious objector."  (Maureen Dowd)

"I'd call you a sadistic-equestrian necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."  (Philip Moskawitz)

"Thank you for Not Smoking--Cigarette smoking is the residue of your pleasure. It contaminates the air, pollutes my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place without my consent. I have a pleasure, also. I like a beer now and then. The residue of my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair and pissed on your head and your clothes without your consent?"  (sign from Ken's Magic Shop)

"My wife thinks I'm nosy. At least that's what she scribbles in her diary."  (Drake Sather)

"When the tweedle beetles battle with their paddles in a bottle full of water on a noodle-eating poodle, it's a tweedle beetle noodle poodle water bottle paddle battle."  (Fox in Sox)

"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.

"You can't fight in here, it's the war room."  (The president, from Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb)

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